On jobs killing relationships.
There are plenty of careers like this or worse. In my field it is hard to find anyone who hasn’t had a divorce. I was blinded by the income partly because I could provide very well for the woman that I loved and with whom I was sharing my life. In the end I lost the only reason I went through all that bullshit. However, now that I am divorced and alone there is no real reason to stop. I do have a very nice career and a very comfortable existence. I paid far too much for it but I did pay for it and it’s mine along with all the toys and comforts I coveted and worked so hard for.
There is a lot of "I" in the above paragraph. The word “love” only shows up once. I realized far far too late how self centered I was (am). I worked far too hard and neglected my relationships because I liked to feel that I was providing for my wife. It made me feel good even after my wife had more than enough and only wanted to be with the man she still loved. I started to succeed. I started to become respected in my field. That made me so very proud. I was respected. I was validated. I had worth. I had the sort of income I longed for when I was poor and hungry. I could buy myself toys. People called me “Mr. Brokentoys” and meant it. I could take my wife out to my favorite restaurants. I could buy a car for each of us so I didn’t have to drive her everywhere. She could drive herself… alone.
She started to get unhappy. The man that she loved so very much started spending more and more time away. Did he still love her? Yes, they had been literally hungry and lived week to week wondering if they would make the next one but that was long ago. They had enough. They could finally be secure safe and happy… but they weren’t. He was never around. Because he was gone so long and his hours were so demanding he insisted that she not work and have a career because it would be inconvenient for him to. Besides, she couldn’t make nearly enough for it to be worth the hassle. She had to sit around alone with no job of her own being handed an allowance like a child from someone who clearly didn’t love her anymore.
I was doing great. I missed my wife but all of what I was doing was “for us”. She didn’t even have to work. Work sucks. I felt so good that I was so successful that she didn’t have to. But she wasn’t happy. What the hell? I’ve worked my ass off and she isn’t happy? It made no sense. I was happy. I had nice toys, the latest and greatest laptop, top of the line smartphone, a nice car. I give her all of those toys and more. She is even more unhappy. That ungrateful bitch.
The rest of the story is too painful for me to write. The cycle continued with each of us resenting the other more and more until every thing that really mattered was gone.
She is now on her own with a substantially lower income since she never had the chance to develop any marketable skills. As for me, I still have my oh so precious career. I now hate it. I hate it for the instrument of destruction it became but I don’t blame it. I know who to blame.
I am disgusted with myself and the career that I paid far too much for. I would happily quit. The toys and comforts mean nothing. The wine tastes like ash and the fillet might as well be a turd so I stopped indulging myself. I eat rice and beans because it reminds myself of a much happier time when I had someone that l loved and loved me back and had hope for better days.
Still I go on. I wake up every fucking day, square my shoulders, and go do a job that I hate almost as much as I hate myself. But now, finally, I don’t do it for me. Now I actually do it for her.
She went back to college. She has a kickass degree and career plan. She loves it. She is so happy, actually happy. She made chancellor’s list. She has a job. It isn’t highly paid but she is doing well there and is valued and respected. She is doing so well and I am so proud of her and what she is accomplishing.
She is able to focus on the future because I am helping her with the present. I keep the wolf at her door fat and lazy. If she finds herself caught in the storm I make it fucking rain. I keep at it because the woman who I abandoned and who I will love until the day that I die needs me.
In a few short years she won’t and I can finally rest.
There are things you shouldn’t give a fuck about and there are things to which you should give every single fuck you have.
Pursue your future. Follow your dreams. Become whatever you want to become.
I can tell you one thing though. You do not want to become me. You don’t.
A very long time ago I was sitting on a broken down bed in a shit hole of an apartment and my wife and I were eating “pasta parmesan”, a feast composed of spaghetti, that sawdust that some people call parmesan, and country crock margarine. The winter olympics were on and we were watching figure skating. It was fucking freezing and we were huddled under a pile of blankets. We had full bellies and my wife loved figure skating and we sat there watching that little television set that we were able to buy with some of my Desert Storm money with delight.
It was the happiest moment of my life.
I would give every single thing I own to go back and be there again.
Robin Williams and Why Funny People Kill Themselves
Ignore, just saving this for later.
Definitely needed to read this
Now, let’s get started.
Foreword: I realize that this isn’t your typical EMSK entry, but I view it as essential advice to any man who wants to be happy; this is just addressing those who may be getting pulled in by the “Red Pill” philosophy.
For the uninitiated, “Red Pill” is a term co-opted by the types of people who frequent /r/TheRedPill (enter at your own risk, lots of lady-hate in there). It’s a reference to The Matrix, in which Morpheus offers Neo a choice of one of two pills… a blue pill, which will make him forget and allow him to contentedly go back to a life of brainwashed mediocrity, or a red pill, which will wake him up to an unpleasant truth but grant him great power.
The idea of the “Red Pill” as is commonly used now, is that men are constantly losing a war of what /r/TheRedPill users refer to as “Sexual strategy.” Essentially the premise is that women have what we want (sex), and they can make us bend over backwards to get it. They have us wrapped around their little fingers. Those who “take the Red Pill” awaken to their true male potential and learn to get what they want without having to submit and forfeit their masculinity.
The subreddit is rife with success stories from men who claim they’ve gotten what they want out of their relationship. One guy claims (and I’m paraphrasing), “She does my laundry and dishes, we have sex whenever I want, and she knows that I don’t belong to her, and if she ever slips up or takes me for granted, she’s gone.”
It’s not that I doubt what he’s saying. I believe it. The problem is, what he’s describing is emotional abuse. What the Red Pill advocates is taking advantage of common weak points in the typical female psyche (most of which are present in your typical male psyche as well; everyone has weak points, and most of them are common to all humans, though some are more pronounced in one sex or another) to put pressure on women and bend them to your will. Users advise doing things like keeping her guessing, changing what you want and then berating her for not keeping up with your whims. Several advise that you never show affection for her unless she’s done something to please you.
You break them like you’d break an animal.
And it’s damned effective in some cases. It’ll get you what you want if you do it right.
But you shouldn’t want that, and here’s why.
The Red Pill subreddit is also full of “Blue Pill Stories,” in which guys get emotionally abused by their girlfriends. They lament being used for their money, their homes, their emotional support, what have you, and then being left when they weren’t “Alpha” enough to keep their girlfriends around. It’s a shame, it really is. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.
“Nobody” includes women, though. What the Red Pill strategy does is flip that power dynamic on its head. When it works, now it’s the man who is in power and the woman who is suffering. The man gets the sex without having to commit any real effort to the relationship, aside from making sure that his SO’s emotions are brutally crushed on a regular basis. You haven’t fixed anything, you’ve only made sure it’s your SO who’s suffering and not you. And the reason she stays is the same reason Blue Pill guys stay in their relationships: They don’t want to be alone.
And as long as you keep that power dynamic active, you will never know what love is. Because love means that you feel what your lover feels. If she hurts, you hurt. If you hurt her, you feel all of her pain and all of the shame for knowing that you’re the one that caused it. If you really love someone, you’ll never want to hurt them. And make no mistake, that’s what the Red Pill is: cold, calculated, systematic emotional torture meant to produce a desired response. Methods like keeping your prisoner guessing, changing what you want, keeping them off balance, those are all interrogation techniques meant to break your prisoner down on a mental and emotional level and produce a compliant charge.
Put quite simply, someone couldn’t ever do such a thing to someone they truly loved.
There is one thing that Red Pill has right. Sexual strategy sucks. But the solution isn’t getting better at it than your SO is. The solution is agreeing with one another that you’re not going to play the game. If a game is going to always suck for one player, and both players care about one another, they’re going to find a better game to play.
You want a healthy, stable relationship that is going to be rewarding? Here’s the secret. Remember that your SO is just as complex, intelligent and vulnerable a human being as you are. She has needs just like you do. While she might place different values on her various needs, while she might express them differently, they’re every bit as important to her as yours are to you. Life is a war. But if you want to win it, you and your SO need to be on the same side.
You don’t need to break your girlfriend or wife. You need to talk to them. If they’re doing something that hurts you, you need to tell them. And not “I wish you would quit that.” Tell them “This hurts me when you do that.” If they care about you, they’ll take action to prevent causing you pain. To position and strategize to get what you want out of your marriage is to deny your most potent asset: An intelligent human being who cares about you and wants to see you happy above all else, and who wants to be happy alongside you.
And if you don’t have that in your SO, you either need to get to that point or get out. There are many, many worse things than being single. One of them is being in an abusive or emotionally vacant relationship (on either side, abuser or victim). Don’t view your time as being single as a sexless desert. View it as a time to grow and realize who you are. You need to be able to define yourself as an individual before you’re ready for a relationship.
Human beings are as diverse as life on this planet. For every type, there is a countertype. There is someone out there for just about everyone. However, none of your relationships will work out in a healthy manner until you realize that women are people too, not animals to be broken. You don’t need to be an Alpha. You’re not a damned dog. You’re a human being. Human beings can communicate complex concepts, rebel against their base instincts to find better ways of doing things, and above all, reflect on their actions and empathize. You don’t need to establish dominance, you just need to find somebody that’s willing to actively pursue your happiness alongside their own; and you need to be willing to do the same for them. If you’re not ready to do that, you’re not ready to have a healthy relationship.
But there’s good news… Something else human beings are good at is changing. You want someone to be willing to change for you, you have to make sure you’re willing to change yourself a bit. Everything’s a two-way street. Just make sure you’re changing for the better. Being willing to change doesn’t mean flopping over and doing whatever is asked of you. Here, change is a bad word for this. Be willing to improve yourself. Nobody’s perfect. Spot those places that need work (I assure you, they’re there, and if you can’t spot them, I guarantee the people around you can), and start improving on those things.
In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to be a healthy human being first. A healthy human being doesn’t use sexual strategy. You’ll only ever have a healthy relationship if both parties refuse to play that game.
I mentioned earlier that Morpheus’s “Red Pill” was originally symbolism for awakening, both to truth and to power, while the “Blue Pill” was a metaphor for staying asleep and maintaining the status quo.
In truth, the Red Pill as they represent it isn’t a true awakening at all. It’s a capitulation to a false dichotomy. A true awakening is realizing that the people around you are more than just faces, that they all have their own stories, their own thoughts, hopes and dreams, and that they are just as complex as you are. A true awakening is realizing that you don’t have to win the fight (and thereby habitually hurt someone you ostensibly care about), or lose it. That you can take your ball and go home.
The Morpheus of sexual strategy is offering you two pills: Red and blue. Win sexual strategy, or lose it.
Punch him in the face and tell him you’re not playing his bullshit game.
GeoGuessr - Let's explore the world!
GeoGuessr is a geography game which takes you on a journey around the world and challenges your ability to recognize your surroundings.
I love things like this.
"Detail of the Woods"
I looked at all the trees and didn’t know what to do.
A box made out of leaves.
What else was in the woods? A heart, closing. Nevertheless.
Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else.
I kept my mind on the moon. Cold moon, long nights moon.
From the landscape: a sense of scale.
From the dead: a sense of scale.
I turned my back on the story. A sense of superiority.
Everything casts a shadow.
Your body told me in a dream it’s never been afraid of anything.
He was insane. And when you look directly at an insane man all you see is a reflection of your own knowledge that he’s insane, which is not to see him at all. To see him you must see what he saw and when you are trying to see the vision of an insane man, an oblique route is the only way to come at it…
…Everyone needs a place. It shouldn’t be inside of someone else.
has come back in my life.